Domestic violence is not a random act. Understanding the cycle of violence and the  thinking of the abuser helps victims recognize that they are not to blame for the terrifying and  violent lives they are experiencing.*

Tension Building: Here the abuser sets up the victim so she is bound to get him angry. The victim, knowing her abuser is  likely to erupt, is apologetic. If confronted by  outsiders, she may even defend his abuse.

The Abuse: The abuser behaves violently, inflicting pain and abuse on the  victim.

Guilt & Fear of Reprisal:  After the violence, the abuser may have feelings  of "guilt" but not normal guilt in  which he would feel sorry for hurting another person, but actually a fear of getting caught.

Fantasy/Set-up: Abusers  fantasize about their past and future abuses. These fantasies feed the abusers anger. He begins to plan another attack by placing his victim in  situations which he knows will anger him.

Normalcy: At this point, the abuser exhibits kind and loving behavior.  Welcomed by both parties, an unusual calm will surround the relationship. He may give the victim  gifts and promise the violence will never happen again.

Blaming the Victim: The abuser can't stand any kind of guilt feeling for long,  so he quickly rationalizes his actions and blames  the victim for causing him to hurt her.

*Information provided by Domestic Violence Resource Center, Portland, Oregon.